When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
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The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Meow
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.