Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
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These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I’m the opposite of a bee keeper. I lose bees all the time. I left a hive on the train today. Just accidentally threw a bee at a nun.
Her: We have rats!
Me: We do?
Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies!
Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I’ll buy traps.
My favorite hobby is pretending to be surprised when my credit card is declined.
Do one person every day that scares you.