ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

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Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please


These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.


A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.


Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.


For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons


Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days


I’m the opposite of a bee keeper. I lose bees all the time. I left a hive on the train today. Just accidentally threw a bee at a nun.


Her: We have rats!

Me: We do?

Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies!

Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I’ll buy traps.


My favorite hobby is pretending to be surprised when my credit card is declined.