me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
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Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.