@TweetPotato314

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

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@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada?

Me: no honey it’s not.

Daughter: is time travel possi-

Me: [winks].

Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!

Wife: how did you do that?

Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.

@Parker_Simpson

The year is 2065. Every adjective once used to describe another person is now deemed offensive. Noone’s left their homes in years.

@iLikeCatShirts

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

@JimmerThatisAll

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

@SufficientCharm

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

@AimeeHelene1

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

@jordan_stratton

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

@mom_ontherocks

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

@Odiegirl9

Instead of condoms I keep moist towelettes in my purse because I am more apt to have buffalo wings instead of sex!

@Darlainky

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom