me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
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*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.