Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
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I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot