Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
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You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Every photo I’m tagged in
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Oops
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.