My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
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You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Who says great literature is dead?
Jesus Christ lmao
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip