@a_simpl_man

Me: I hate it, but we’re going to have to cut payroll. I’ll tell the kids which ones were letting go.
The wife:

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@HousewifeOfHell

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

@MissMMathers

Me: “I gotta do things” …

Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.

@ReticentTurnip

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

@ACartoonCat

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

@thenatewolf

HUMAN BODY: I can grow a fully formed human baby in like 9 months. I’m talking brain, functioning respiratory system, eyeballs, everything.

ME: Cool, cool. How long will it take for my twisted ankle to feel better?

HUMAN BODY: 7 years and it will never be the same.

@GoldenSpirals

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.