My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Me: I hate it, but we’re going to have to cut payroll. I’ll tell the kids which ones were letting go.
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Me: “I gotta do things” …
Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.
this person knows how to have fun
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Me: I feel skinnier today!
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
HUMAN BODY: I can grow a fully formed human baby in like 9 months. I’m talking brain, functioning respiratory system, eyeballs, everything.
ME: Cool, cool. How long will it take for my twisted ankle to feel better?
HUMAN BODY: 7 years and it will never be the same.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.