[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
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Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.