Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
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you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
her: ma’am, can I help you?
me: I’m just waitin for church
her: for what? ma’am are…
*produce sprinkler turns on*
me: shh! It’s time, lettuce spray.
her: [bows head respectfully]
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be management.
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…