Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

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Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.


you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy


*octopus goes in for a palm reading*



GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills


Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.


Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you



[grocery shopping]

her: ma’am, can I help you?
me: I’m just waitin for church
her: for what? ma’am are…
*produce sprinkler turns on*
me: shh! It’s time, lettuce spray.
her: [bows head respectfully]



Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.



Me: I really need the paycheck

Him: This is an unpaid internship.

Me: Do you provide snacks?

Him: Um, yes

Me: Keep going…