Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
You Might Also Like
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
awkward
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?