@Ideal_Victoria

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

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@Transsomething

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

@PaperWash

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

@lovemyboots111

Sarcasm :

Because life doesn’t come with a free “stay out of jail card”

@Gre_Gone

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

@ThatAdamKid

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

@my_minivan_life

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

@yoyoha

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

@junejuly12

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

@blade_funner

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

@mdob11

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.