Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
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I pray every night that I never become religious…
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!