Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
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too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.