me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

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Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*


Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.


Sex in your 40’s:

(Position change)


Her: Was that me or you?

Me: Just go with it, we’ll assess injuries later.


Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes


When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:



Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.


Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.


ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch


[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks