@mrjohndarby

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

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@dihorla

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

@truegritrumble

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

@alextranquada

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

@Reverend_Scott

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

@Tommytoughstuff

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

@Ochie2S

Watching my former girlfriend with binoculars is ex-sighting

@WheelTod

If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!

@ObscureGent

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.