me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

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I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.


ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.


The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.


A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?


Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.


[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*


Watching my former girlfriend with binoculars is ex-sighting


If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!


Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.