Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
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*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Sex in your 40’s:
* CRRRACK *
Her: Was that me or you?
Me: Just go with it, we’ll assess injuries later.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks