me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

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Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people


I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back


I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.


I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.


“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”


Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine


HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”


If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or


She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.


You think you’re going to win this? I’ve been acting out potential fake arguments in the shower for years.

You don’t stand a chance.