Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
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Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.