Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

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McDonald’s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.


Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…



Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.


[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!


doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady


Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably


me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them


Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.


At the gym I go to there is a dumpy soft bodied dude who sits on the floor while his mega hot Instagram model gym girlfriend works out. They smile & talk to eachother but he never works out he just chills alone playing on his phone

Anyway he’s the most alpha dude at the gym 100%