Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

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3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.


Ten Ways To Tell If Your Kitchen Is Haunted:
1.) Flying forks
2.) Pre-fried eggs
3.) Fridge moaning/wailing
4-10.) Ghosts


i overheard my uber driver and his wife being sad about having trouble having kids so i left my nephew in the car. i love doing gods work!🤍


The original “Ben Hur” was a mega
hit movie ….with ( 11 ) Oscars.

The remake is a box office flop.

A clear case of “Ben Hur, Done That”


I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.


Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?


The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong


My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.


I’m always careful with women that do not speak to me even after the 4th date.