@thefishpants

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

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@AnecdtlBrthCtrl

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

@karentozzi

Ten Ways To Tell If Your Kitchen Is Haunted:
1.) Flying forks
2.) Pre-fried eggs
3.) Fridge moaning/wailing
4-10.) Ghosts

@LilNasX

i overheard my uber driver and his wife being sad about having trouble having kids so i left my nephew in the car. i love doing gods work!🤍

@SteveKoehler22

The original “Ben Hur” was a mega
hit movie ….with ( 11 ) Oscars.

The remake is a box office flop.

A clear case of “Ben Hur, Done That”

@rocknthepurple

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

@Steven37366100

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

@envydatropic

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

@mdob11

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

@fsuflores

I’m always careful with women that do not speak to me even after the 4th date.