McDonald’s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
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Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Hey, my eyes are up here.
– snails, probably
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
At the gym I go to there is a dumpy soft bodied dude who sits on the floor while his mega hot Instagram model gym girlfriend works out. They smile & talk to eachother but he never works out he just chills alone playing on his phone
Anyway he’s the most alpha dude at the gym 100%