Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
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I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
i was baptized in a car wash
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right