You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
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Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.