Me: I have a Crush on you

Wife: Get that soda off of my head

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the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/


They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people


Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.


I got a job today so I guess I’ll finally be getting paid to tweet.


Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.


If I had a time machine I’d go back 10 years and tell myself “Write down the names of all the people you loan stuff to.”


(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*


[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there


Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006


“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money