Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
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Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
u spoke cat all this time??????
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Breaking news:
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree