What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
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I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet