It’s that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I’ve been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.
Me: I have a date tonight.
Friend: A guy coming over to install cable isn’t a date.
Me: *frowns* But I got a cheese platter….
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You going to eat those sausages?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about this caption.
Got kicked out of Star Fleet for using the transporter to catch up to the ice cream man after I’ve missed him going down my street.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
me: how about 9:15
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.