@Twtercide

Me: I have a date tonight.

Friend: A guy coming over to install cable isn’t a date.

Me: *frowns* But I got a cheese platter….

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@AndyAsAdjective

It’s that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I’ve been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.

@SondraDeeMe

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

@Riocakes

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

@thingsbydan

There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about this caption.

@VibesBummer

Got kicked out of Star Fleet for using the transporter to catch up to the ice cream man after I’ve missed him going down my street.

@ClichedOut

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

@newLettuce

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

@aaronup

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.