ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
You Might Also Like
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
[eats all your cotton candy]
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.