I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
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If you tell me you’re “a voracious reader”, I’m basically just picturing a dinosaur in my head
[alarm clock, 6:00 a.m.]
Ok cool, I have time for breakfast and a nice shower before work
[third snooze button]
Alright, well, I have time for a coffee and a quick shower
[tenth snooze button]
What if I burned off my fingerprints and moved to south america
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired
*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard
*start a fire*
People: calm down
If bees have to die after they sting you, then at the very least I hope mosquitoes get hangovers that make them feel like death after they bite drunk people.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn