Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

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I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.


If you tell me you’re “a voracious reader”, I’m basically just picturing a dinosaur in my head


[alarm clock, 6:00 a.m.]

Ok cool, I have time for breakfast and a nice shower before work

[third snooze button]

Alright, well, I have time for a coffee and a quick shower

[tenth snooze button]

What if I burned off my fingerprints and moved to south america


Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked


JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY


My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”


Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks



*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down


If bees have to die after they sting you, then at the very least I hope mosquitoes get hangovers that make them feel like death after they bite drunk people.


judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn