Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
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“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.