It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Me: I have a memory like an elephant.
Him: Elephants get drunk all the time and forget everything too?
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I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
hi rappers i have been shaking dat ass all night and i am exhausted can you make a song about sitting and watching tv at a reasonable volume
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Egg drop soup
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Arm wrestling is for guys who like to hold hands with other guys while staring into their eyes.