@GregDorris
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
@Karissajem
Me: I have a memory like an elephant.
Him: Elephants get drunk all the time and forget everything too?
Me: Yes.
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@GregDorris
@BubblesnBooze
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
@Kalarlis
hi rappers i have been shaking dat ass all night and i am exhausted can you make a song about sitting and watching tv at a reasonable volume
@MaryKoCo
@Marlebean
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
@panmidwest
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
@94steve_
felt that
@lmegordon
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
@prufrockluvsong
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
@realslimswamy
Arm wrestling is for guys who like to hold hands with other guys while staring into their eyes.