Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
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Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
NASA has no chill