Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
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I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll