age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
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Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
…u ok Nintendo?
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
omg leave her alone
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right