[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
Me: I have a ninja dog
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Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Received DM of the day:
Them: Why are you so angry?
Me: Why are you so stupid?