Me: I have a ninja dog
Everybody: where?

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[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]


Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.


Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no


When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.


Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t


A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.


[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope


For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.


My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.


Received DM of the day:

Them: Why are you so angry?

Me: Why are you so stupid?