Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
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Definitely just forgot the word ‘menu’ and asked for a ‘map of the food’.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight?
Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week.
8: I’m telling mom.