me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

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Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?


Definitely just forgot the word ‘menu’ and asked for a ‘map of the food’.


Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.


From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.


[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body


Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said


Corgi: why are my legs so short?

God: that’s just what legs look like.

Corgi: oh cool.

[giraffe walks by]


God: you weren’t supposed to see that.


Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”


WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.


8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight?

Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week.

8: What?

Me: Nothing.

8: I’m telling mom.