me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
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The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I am patiently waiting for your email
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing