me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
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EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Well, that didn’t work.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?