Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.

Me: Yup!

Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.

Officiant: Do you take this man?

Me: I do!

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.