me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
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my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Self-cleaning conscience
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
A new Ocean鈥檚 13 but it鈥檚 me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid鈥檚 toys out of their packages
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I鈥檝e put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let鈥檚 see who鈥檚 head explodes first.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 馃槙
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON鈥橳 THEY?
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
The internet is full of many things
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.