Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
You Might Also Like
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that