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Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.


I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.


Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”


if a bear is attacking you play dead and then play resurrection this will cause the bear to either worship u or deny ur existence


“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.


My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.


{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear


I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.


I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.


When I die donate my body to science

Science: No thanks we’re good