@GrantTanaka

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

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@Mr_Kapowski

9 year old daughter: Are you sure?

Me: *shoving a banana in a fish bowl* What do you think a Sea Monkey eats?

@Phook75

I’ve spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife’s shirt to actually stay on this hanger

@iwearaonesie

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

@LittleMissZesty

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

@4ndBest

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

@DevilryFun

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

@sammyrhodes

Watching Dora with the kids this morning. I wish her parents would just get her an iPhone.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

@fillthevacuum

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.