Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
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[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I…do not understand how electricity works.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?