ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
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Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Google Pay be like:
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.