ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
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i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious