me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

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As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.


every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.


[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”


Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.


Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.


[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.


(playing Monopoly)

Hour 1: Why don’t we play this more?

Hour 16: *holding bloody napkins to nose* Does it look broken?


Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold


I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.