me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
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*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Monica just destroyed the internet
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.