Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
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I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?