Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
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I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs