Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
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Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.