People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
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My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I can’t stop watching this.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I think the cat got the dog high.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY