I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
You Might Also Like
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains đź‘Ť.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus