[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
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Friend: your not going to believe this but my whole family was killed in a freak accident!
[at a funeral]
What happens to his leftover meds?
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
ALCOHOL. Because no good story ever began with, “So, I was sitting there eating this salad…”
You’ve been married more than 10 years so when your husband says he has big plans for you tomorrow he means he needs help cleaning the gutters
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Did the dinosaurs on the Flintstones know that they could eat the people instead of working for them?
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.