@verycozy

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

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@KyleMcDowell86

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

@NervousJr

Friend: your not going to believe this but my whole family was killed in a freak accident!

Me: *you’re

@sofarrsogud

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

@dshack8

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

@donjuantip

ALCOHOL. Because no good story ever began with, “So, I was sitting there eating this salad…”

@VisionBored1

You’ve been married more than 10 years so when your husband says he has big plans for you tomorrow he means he needs help cleaning the gutters

@KimmyMonte

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

@Lisacossey1

Did the dinosaurs on the Flintstones know that they could eat the people instead of working for them?

@HpHubert

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?