What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
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[Breaking and Entering]
GANG MEMBER: Jimmy the door open
ME: No it isn’t, and don’t call me Jimmy
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I sexually identify as a microwave dinner because I’m ready in 5 minutes but don’t look anything like my photos.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Him: “Wow you’ve got alot of hair” Me: “Thanks grew it myself”
Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you’re going to transfer me to someone who doesn’t speak english?
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.