@verycozy

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

You Might Also Like

@sonictyrant

[Breaking and Entering]

GANG MEMBER: Jimmy the door open

ME: No it isn’t, and don’t call me Jimmy

@chrisdowning

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

@really10months

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

@Playing_Dad

[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit

@xLiserx

I sexually identify as a microwave dinner because I’m ready in 5 minutes but don’t look anything like my photos.

@mrjohndarby

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

@AllanCresswell

Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you’re going to transfer me to someone who doesn’t speak english?

@slimmy_shady

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.