ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
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I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.