ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

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[Breaking and Entering]

GANG MEMBER: Jimmy the door open

ME: No it isn’t, and don’t call me Jimmy


Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.


My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age


[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit


I sexually identify as a microwave dinner because I’m ready in 5 minutes but don’t look anything like my photos.


[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying


Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you’re going to transfer me to someone who doesn’t speak english?


Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.