ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
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Please just send me a sign. Anything.
*Ace Of Base starts playing on radio
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Me: Hey if I said you had a nice defibrillator, would you hold it against me?
Paramedic: (blushes) Nooooo…
Spiritually, ever since I ate my first curry, I’ll always be part Indian.
Facebook: Because I like being reminded that I went to school with idiots.
I love hoodies because maybe I work out, maybe I ate 4 whole large pizzas last week. You don’t know.
*Pulls away from Kissing*
Me: This isn’t weird is it?