@KeetPotato

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

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@Quartzjixler

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

@Darlainky

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

@noxxhell

“What protection do you use?”

“Protection?”

“When you have Sex.”

“Sex??”

@KeetPotato

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

@OldFolkProblms

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.

@iamspacegirl

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

@Dani_Feld

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

@drinkprayfuck

Him: you’re not wearing pants?

Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?

Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?

Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!