me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

You Might Also Like


[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago



Please just send me a sign. Anything.

*Ace Of Base starts playing on radio

LOL nice


Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.


My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.


*in ambulance*

Me: Hey if I said you had a nice defibrillator, would you hold it against me?

Paramedic: (blushes) Nooooo…

Me: *dies*


Spiritually, ever since I ate my first curry, I’ll always be part Indian.


Facebook: Because I like being reminded that I went to school with idiots.


I love hoodies because maybe I work out, maybe I ate 4 whole large pizzas last week. You don’t know.


*Pulls away from Kissing*

Me: This isn’t weird is it?

Cat: Meow