I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
You Might Also Like
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
“What protection do you use?”
“When you have Sex.”
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Your word is ‘effusive’
That is correct. What was your name?
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!