7yo: MOMMA DO YOU THINK YOU’LL EVER GET A 6-PACK OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA BE FAT
Me: *slowly shreds Pokémon cards w/out breaking eye contact*
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
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Hey people who design vacuums- Why the headlight?
Are people vacuuming in the dark? or riding them on the freeway & I just havent seen?
I hate it when I get my days mixed up and I accidentally take my stupid wife out instead of my girlfriend.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Someone told me to settle down, & I wasn’t sure if they meant for me to calm down, or buy a house & start a family.