me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
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me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Herpes is trending, good job people
#Caturday
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
peeping toms
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why