@KeetPotato

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

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@dafloydsta

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

@jergarl

[praying]

Please just send me a sign. Anything.

*Ace Of Base starts playing on radio
.
.
.

LOL nice

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

@Darlainky

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

@jamdugg

*in ambulance*

Me: Hey if I said you had a nice defibrillator, would you hold it against me?

Paramedic: (blushes) Nooooo…

Me: *dies*

@Robski_Boy

Spiritually, ever since I ate my first curry, I’ll always be part Indian.

@Schmoodles

Facebook: Because I like being reminded that I went to school with idiots.

@nappydolemite

I love hoodies because maybe I work out, maybe I ate 4 whole large pizzas last week. You don’t know.

@shwebby3

*Pulls away from Kissing*

Me: This isn’t weird is it?

Cat: Meow