@KeetPotato

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

You Might Also Like

@ValeeGrrl

7yo: MOMMA DO YOU THINK YOU’LL EVER GET A 6-PACK OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA BE FAT

Me: *slowly shreds Pokémon cards w/out breaking eye contact*

@marebytes

Hey people who design vacuums- Why the headlight?
Are people vacuuming in the dark? or riding them on the freeway & I just havent seen?

@TommyKarate

I hate it when I get my days mixed up and I accidentally take my stupid wife out instead of my girlfriend.

@radtoria

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

@Inferno_V

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

@elunatyk

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

@Beer4AGoodTime

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

@Darlainky

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

@Freudianscript

Someone told me to settle down, & I wasn’t sure if they meant for me to calm down, or buy a house & start a family.