soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
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YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
doctor: you have a very rare type of short term memory loss that causes intense confusion
me: is it contagious
doctor: is what contagious. where am i
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug
[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.