@dafloydsta

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

You Might Also Like

@WhaJoTalkinBout

soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah

@flashember

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

@_coryrichardson

doctor: you have a very rare type of short term memory loss that causes intense confusion

me: is it contagious

doctor: is what contagious. where am i

@GrantTanaka

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

@TheDreamGhoul

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

@VerbsRProudest

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

@RodLacroix

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

@rachelle_mandik

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

@IamJackBoot

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.