ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
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If you love someone, let them tweet.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Haha good job!!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.