ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
You Might Also Like
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.