[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
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going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I drew y’all a little something.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
huge if true: the moon
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question