@MorticiaKate

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

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@TheAlexNevil

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

@TheMichaelRock

Now that oil is so cheap, we should start drilling for black printer ink.

@abhorrent_wife

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

@dril

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

@simoncholland

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

@spaceboyriley

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

@goodshitdogshit

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting