I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
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me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
Now that oil is so cheap, we should start drilling for black printer ink.
The news is so predictable nowadays
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
cop: also you hit 26 cars
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting