Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
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It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.