@JediGigi

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

You Might Also Like

@maebemarbles

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

@3sunzzz

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

@calicocats420

the waitress at waffle house just apologized bc she lost her train of thought when tracy chapman fast car came on

@fro_vo

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

@HenpeckedHal

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

@SarcasticCharm

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

@MikeOdenthal

Think about how many variations of apple there would be had they not mercy-killed the pineapple guy before he could name more fruits

@LoriLuvsShoes

I just saw a woman with a tremendous amount of make up and I was really tempted to use my finger and write “wash me” on her face