“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
the waitress at waffle house just apologized bc she lost her train of thought when tracy chapman fast car came on
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Think about how many variations of apple there would be had they not mercy-killed the pineapple guy before he could name more fruits
I just saw a woman with a tremendous amount of make up and I was really tempted to use my finger and write “wash me” on her face