BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
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If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
This sounds bad:
David Cameron: “In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.”
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Me: Want to go outside?
Me: Go outside?
Me: Let’s go outside!
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.