@jimmytorosian

Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”

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@SICKOFWOLVES

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

@Bob_Janke

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

@Tayyxb

David Cameron: “In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.”

Buckingham Palace?

@Jamberee13

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

@zachreinert03

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

@RodLacroix

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

@iinkedZombie

wife: omg what are you doing?

me: wrapping presents

wife:

me:

wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!

@TwinSurvivalist

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.