Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
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Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
what does he know…
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.