Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
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If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
it must be school picture day
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Hero horse inspires millions
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
mathematically impossible
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.