Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.